the eternal mission's trip....

i've been on 3 mission's trips in my lifetime. the first two were to romania, and the second was here in swaziland. all three mission's trips have been during a time of the year when temperatures were chilly. most people don't seem to believe us when we say we are cold...but it's been dipping into the 30's here in swaziland this winter....and romania....oh romania....you were so cold i don't care to ever visit you again. i'm going to sound completely pathetic here, but the thing i remember most vividly about each one of those trips, was being cold. cold inside, cold outside. on every trip i slept in my clothes. that way, i didn't have to change in the cold morning temps. i slept with socks on my feet, and socks on my hands. on all three trips i remember having little or no hot water. i remember terrible water pressure....barely enough to rinse soap off one's body or out of one's hair. i remember wanting to eat...but nothing sounding good....nothing tasting good.

i have been here 11 weeks and 4 days. but it feels more like 11 years and 4 more years. all the things i remember about a mission's trip have become my life. incase anyone ever wondered, no, the water pressure isn't any better away from where the mission's team stays. the hot water is just as unreliable....so is the cold for that matter. basically, you turn the water on and hope for the best. it might be too hot, it might be too cold......but hey, you have running water...so you are blessed. my body temperature has made it up to "not shivering" on 4 different days since we have been here. that's it...4 days. i cannot get warm. and then there's the food....it's not hard to eat at home...really, where else are you going to go? the options....they don't exactly feel optional at all.....

the part about the eternal mission's trip that is the hardest though? the part where people come to your car needing money to feed their children when you are loading your groceries. the part where the man comes to your gate asking for bread and juice because the ARV's he's taking to combat the HIV/AIDS are making him sick because he doesn't have enough food to make them work. the part where he raises his pant legs so you can see his frail skin and bone legs with sores on them so you will give him money for pain medicine. did you know that if people taking the ARV's, to keep the HIV/AIDS at bay, don't get enough nutritional food along with the medicine, the medicine actually makes them more sick? i didn't. not before i got here. this man comes by our house ever so often. he comes by wanting to spray for bugs. he comes by telling us he's trying to pay for his kids' schooling. as i looked at him today, i realized something i had never seen before. i looked closely. where before, i always thought he was older. he looked older. he walked older. he acted older. he sounded older. but today as i looked closely, i realized, he isn't old at all. his skin hangs on him because he is thin. his skin hangs on him because he is sick. why had i not done the math? he told me he had children....why did it not register? is he even in his 30's?

before, when i went on a mission's trip, i always got to go home. i would see the faces. i would give the money. i would sleep in my clothes for the 10 days, and then i would leave. i don't get to do that now. now i sit here wondering...how many people can i hand money to? how many people can i give food and water to? how many nights am i going to sleep with socks on my feet and my hands before it feels "normal?"